If only;
Then maybe;
Things wouldn’t have turned out this way…
Let the truth speak for itself;
It’s been grey ever since; past few weeks have been tough. It’s hard to tell isn’t it? I’m not the exact picture of sorrow or depression, broken-heartedness or inconsolability. Believe me or not, there has been struggle, hurt, and poignant moments. Some can see, but others would need more than the human anatomy to find out what’s on my mind or the state of my heart. What’s’ worse is that I can’t seem to get over it.
I imagine it this way: So your hearts’ has been ripped out, enough of the tears more reflecting. It’s all over and you can’t turn back time so what do you do? You lock yourself in with the memories, though it feels more like trapped. You wander from memory to memory and it haunts you every time. There’s just so many things I would’ve done again, so many things that haven’t been done. It's too late to say anymore.
Some things I still don’t understand. Should I even understand? Or should I just leave those pestering thoughts aside. Will I ever understand? “Embrace me and you’ll understand” he says I feel so angry. It’s just so unfair. I don’t see why I deserve this. I don’t deserve my missing to be prolonged. So what if I deserve better? What if I want the better with you? What if I want the better to be you? Unfortunately, it can’t be that way.
Why is it so hard on me? I know it hasn’t been long but it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier. Maybe its’ just time. Sucks doesn’t it. When you want it to freeze it whizzes by, when you want it to fly by, it slows down. It’s probably easier when you’ve got zero feelings. I don’t feel the same way but I guess missing counts as feelings. When theres not a single drop of love left, it seems that it’ll be much easier. Maybe I should kill my feelings too, though it’ll be pretty hard cos’ I’ve never lost them or even tried. Forgiving is the easy part, forgetting; now that’s difficult.
It was never easy for me, this whole falling in love thing. Why do you think I’ve never had anyone else before? It meant so much to me and its’ such waste I have to see it all go away. Don’t think you realize how much it took for me to give my all for this, how much I actually put into this, how much I really loved you. It was all honest and true; but maybe you just couldn’t see it. I was serious about this, but was never taken seriously.
Thinks I’m going through the whole, usual “getting over” phase. It sure can be a living hell, especially when it’s your first love. “They say that you will always love your first love because it was when your heart first opened” You start missing like crazy, youre’ still flustered and care like you’ve always had for that person, your mind plays back those sweet memories, you dream wonderful dreams, and love more than ever. But after all that, you come to realize that you’re now alone. And when you’re alone, dreams shall be dreams, fantasies will be fantasies. It’s like one of those dreams, the ones where you don’t want to be woken up from. You hear the aircon switch off, the pulling back of the drapes and your blankie, a splatter of cold water and you’re awake, wanting to go back to all the splendid imaginations; they’ll never come true. How do you do it so easily? Theres just so many things that triggers lucid memories. All around me, no matter how small, theres always a story behind it. Makes it so much harder~
The love you feel is just indescribable. Its’ one that surpasses reasons when you truly, love. One that doesn’t have to be questioned or reassured. It’s the type you never want to fall out of, the one that drives you crazy and sends you head over heels. Everything you’ve ever dreamed of, everything you wanted. You’d be willing to go through hell, whatever it takes, just to be with such a person. It drives you mad I tell you. It holds you to all the things that have been said, the trust, hope, and promises. It never fails and withstands aching. In fact, it reacts in a loving way. It’s compassionate and doesn’t hate. It’s beautiful. I only loved. Love changes. It did for me.
From first hand experience from a first timer, I have to say the hardest thing you’d ever encounter in a relationship isn’t asking the girl or talking to the guy, it isn’t what I should get him/her, when am I going to hold her hand, kiss her or hug, what I should say, it has to be getting over a relationship. Well that’s what I think, afterall I’m just a noob paying his consequences.
This time of my life kinda reminds me of this whole “opening & closing doors”, “starting new chapters etc.” This time it is a little different. The doors’ already closed. But I’m still at the door. Can’t knock and I shouldn’t. So I take the usual peeks from the keyhole and remind myself of the times inside. You’ve got to admit it was good. I mean, it was awesome, I enjoyed it a lot, it was treasured, precious, fun, and loved. Twas’ downs and screw ups but I always thought the end would justify the pain it took to get us there. For a once a week sighting, online communication 90%, a year+ was a major achievement. Guess there’ll always be flaws cos’ no ones perfect. It’s certainly a deserved accomplishment, one that pleases me despite the abrupt ending. Theres so much more than this one door, yet I mope outside it, waiting with a twisted hope, yet wanting to get on with life. Like you’ve said to me, that I can’t have everything I want in life.
Hears the big thing. What I miss most? It would have to be sharing my life with someone else. This can’t be just any friend or family, it’s different and goes beyond the common sharings of friends and family. I miss hearing the every detail of someones life, from the littlest things to the more complicated things. I miss sharing my parts too, the daily routine of my days have ended. Its’ hard to realize but knowing much about a person brings you ever so close. It’s like you know every single inch of them and its all engraved into your memory. You don’t even have to look back into the material world to recall. Knowing a person inside out is so important because it comes in handy whenever. Besides that, theres everything else. Especially the simplest things. Take for instance a simple smile, a giggle, a grin, a hug, a kiss perhaps… am partially hating how my mind replays us. I use to love it. But now I don’t exactly want to remember~
I use to be a fighter. One who would never give up, told myself I’d try always try harder the next time, prevent the worse from reoccurring, one who would hold on despite the pain, through thick and thin I was always there. I’ve held for quite some time now, been through more than anyone could imagine, held on for so long that I was called fool, to a point where many would have regretted, resented, and eventually left. A great fighter shall ultimately meet his fall Guess this time round it was different. I could take rounds and rounds but it just wasn't about me. For love I say, sad that giving up is so tempting. Though I spent hours before just thinking about how I would ever move the coldness, what would it really take to bring you back to me. It was about time I let go afterall. would have refused if minds changed.
I need to get away. It’s hard seeing you. Where I see you makes it even harder. Once a week is more than enough to keep me awake for nights. Theres more but I really need to disappear or go someplace else for the time being. I need to erase the bits that cling to my heart. It’s not an overreaction, for me its’ just the basic symptoms of an unwanted break. Disappointment and how a normal person would feel. Of course everyone knows the easiest way out – Thanatos. That I shan’t even think of.
Then maybe;
Things wouldn’t have turned out this way…
Let the truth speak for itself;
It’s been grey ever since; past few weeks have been tough. It’s hard to tell isn’t it? I’m not the exact picture of sorrow or depression, broken-heartedness or inconsolability. Believe me or not, there has been struggle, hurt, and poignant moments. Some can see, but others would need more than the human anatomy to find out what’s on my mind or the state of my heart. What’s’ worse is that I can’t seem to get over it.
I imagine it this way: So your hearts’ has been ripped out, enough of the tears more reflecting. It’s all over and you can’t turn back time so what do you do? You lock yourself in with the memories, though it feels more like trapped. You wander from memory to memory and it haunts you every time. There’s just so many things I would’ve done again, so many things that haven’t been done. It's too late to say anymore.
Some things I still don’t understand. Should I even understand? Or should I just leave those pestering thoughts aside. Will I ever understand? “Embrace me and you’ll understand” he says I feel so angry. It’s just so unfair. I don’t see why I deserve this. I don’t deserve my missing to be prolonged. So what if I deserve better? What if I want the better with you? What if I want the better to be you? Unfortunately, it can’t be that way.
Why is it so hard on me? I know it hasn’t been long but it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier. Maybe its’ just time. Sucks doesn’t it. When you want it to freeze it whizzes by, when you want it to fly by, it slows down. It’s probably easier when you’ve got zero feelings. I don’t feel the same way but I guess missing counts as feelings. When theres not a single drop of love left, it seems that it’ll be much easier. Maybe I should kill my feelings too, though it’ll be pretty hard cos’ I’ve never lost them or even tried. Forgiving is the easy part, forgetting; now that’s difficult.
It was never easy for me, this whole falling in love thing. Why do you think I’ve never had anyone else before? It meant so much to me and its’ such waste I have to see it all go away. Don’t think you realize how much it took for me to give my all for this, how much I actually put into this, how much I really loved you. It was all honest and true; but maybe you just couldn’t see it. I was serious about this, but was never taken seriously.
Thinks I’m going through the whole, usual “getting over” phase. It sure can be a living hell, especially when it’s your first love. “They say that you will always love your first love because it was when your heart first opened” You start missing like crazy, youre’ still flustered and care like you’ve always had for that person, your mind plays back those sweet memories, you dream wonderful dreams, and love more than ever. But after all that, you come to realize that you’re now alone. And when you’re alone, dreams shall be dreams, fantasies will be fantasies. It’s like one of those dreams, the ones where you don’t want to be woken up from. You hear the aircon switch off, the pulling back of the drapes and your blankie, a splatter of cold water and you’re awake, wanting to go back to all the splendid imaginations; they’ll never come true. How do you do it so easily? Theres just so many things that triggers lucid memories. All around me, no matter how small, theres always a story behind it. Makes it so much harder~
The love you feel is just indescribable. Its’ one that surpasses reasons when you truly, love. One that doesn’t have to be questioned or reassured. It’s the type you never want to fall out of, the one that drives you crazy and sends you head over heels. Everything you’ve ever dreamed of, everything you wanted. You’d be willing to go through hell, whatever it takes, just to be with such a person. It drives you mad I tell you. It holds you to all the things that have been said, the trust, hope, and promises. It never fails and withstands aching. In fact, it reacts in a loving way. It’s compassionate and doesn’t hate. It’s beautiful. I only loved. Love changes. It did for me.
From first hand experience from a first timer, I have to say the hardest thing you’d ever encounter in a relationship isn’t asking the girl or talking to the guy, it isn’t what I should get him/her, when am I going to hold her hand, kiss her or hug, what I should say, it has to be getting over a relationship. Well that’s what I think, afterall I’m just a noob paying his consequences.
This time of my life kinda reminds me of this whole “opening & closing doors”, “starting new chapters etc.” This time it is a little different. The doors’ already closed. But I’m still at the door. Can’t knock and I shouldn’t. So I take the usual peeks from the keyhole and remind myself of the times inside. You’ve got to admit it was good. I mean, it was awesome, I enjoyed it a lot, it was treasured, precious, fun, and loved. Twas’ downs and screw ups but I always thought the end would justify the pain it took to get us there. For a once a week sighting, online communication 90%, a year+ was a major achievement. Guess there’ll always be flaws cos’ no ones perfect. It’s certainly a deserved accomplishment, one that pleases me despite the abrupt ending. Theres so much more than this one door, yet I mope outside it, waiting with a twisted hope, yet wanting to get on with life. Like you’ve said to me, that I can’t have everything I want in life.
Hears the big thing. What I miss most? It would have to be sharing my life with someone else. This can’t be just any friend or family, it’s different and goes beyond the common sharings of friends and family. I miss hearing the every detail of someones life, from the littlest things to the more complicated things. I miss sharing my parts too, the daily routine of my days have ended. Its’ hard to realize but knowing much about a person brings you ever so close. It’s like you know every single inch of them and its all engraved into your memory. You don’t even have to look back into the material world to recall. Knowing a person inside out is so important because it comes in handy whenever. Besides that, theres everything else. Especially the simplest things. Take for instance a simple smile, a giggle, a grin, a hug, a kiss perhaps… am partially hating how my mind replays us. I use to love it. But now I don’t exactly want to remember~
I use to be a fighter. One who would never give up, told myself I’d try always try harder the next time, prevent the worse from reoccurring, one who would hold on despite the pain, through thick and thin I was always there. I’ve held for quite some time now, been through more than anyone could imagine, held on for so long that I was called fool, to a point where many would have regretted, resented, and eventually left. A great fighter shall ultimately meet his fall Guess this time round it was different. I could take rounds and rounds but it just wasn't about me. For love I say, sad that giving up is so tempting. Though I spent hours before just thinking about how I would ever move the coldness, what would it really take to bring you back to me. It was about time I let go afterall. would have refused if minds changed.
I need to get away. It’s hard seeing you. Where I see you makes it even harder. Once a week is more than enough to keep me awake for nights. Theres more but I really need to disappear or go someplace else for the time being. I need to erase the bits that cling to my heart. It’s not an overreaction, for me its’ just the basic symptoms of an unwanted break. Disappointment and how a normal person would feel. Of course everyone knows the easiest way out – Thanatos. That I shan’t even think of.
It's going to take a while I know. Would be unnatural if it was within a blink of an eye. Will be ages till the word "friend" comes into consideration. The bright side? For one, I've been brought closer to friends and family. Sharing my life with the people I don't usually share with has been a great experience. "Losing" someone close but simultaneously drawing closer sounds like a fair deal afterall. Another, knowing that it wasn't me.
Enough of the rambling; after all, all I’m trying to do is move on…If only it was that easy.
Enough of the rambling; after all, all I’m trying to do is move on…If only it was that easy.
Special Thanks:
My god father; for always being there for me, loving me throughout and sharing with me his life, teaching me and advising me. For being my escape, for reminding me of your presence, and for making me feel so comfortable when conversing, for the manly hugs and reassurance. I love you.
11/19; for teaching me about life, that it is ok to let it all out. For making my school days brighter, being there to talk to openly, showing pure sympathy and care. Looking out for me, caring so much and keeping me awake:) You have no idea how much happiness you bring me^^;
Gid; the usual partner in crime never leaves his wounded partner alone. Thanks for being there and giving me some light in such a dark situation. For the laughs and solutions, for sticking with me and not forgetting me. Rest assured, I wont be jumping off the top floor of the mall any time soon.
Jesusmylordandsaviour,godmyheavenlyfather; for picking me up when I stumbled, for carrying me when I fell, wiping the tears, speaking to me through the word. For only wanting the very best for me, for the reassurance, for your omni presence and unfailing, unconditional love. For giving me the heart and wonderful person. That right now I would love to be hugged by you. For giving us praise&worship, its been an escape too. I feel so distant from you atm, I am far but you are near, yet I still can’t get close to you; I’m losing it;
And to all my friends who knew, for bearing my infirmities and the comfort.
Xx.
You; for the one year and a bit, for being that missing piece of my heart, for unveiling the parts of me I didn’t know I had, for teaching me without even knowing it, of all people, being with me and sticking with me through the bumpy roads as long as you could hold, for loving me as long as this lasted. For making my first memorable and special. You, I shall remember always.
11/19; for teaching me about life, that it is ok to let it all out. For making my school days brighter, being there to talk to openly, showing pure sympathy and care. Looking out for me, caring so much and keeping me awake:) You have no idea how much happiness you bring me^^;
Gid; the usual partner in crime never leaves his wounded partner alone. Thanks for being there and giving me some light in such a dark situation. For the laughs and solutions, for sticking with me and not forgetting me. Rest assured, I wont be jumping off the top floor of the mall any time soon.
Jesusmylordandsaviour,godmyheavenlyfather; for picking me up when I stumbled, for carrying me when I fell, wiping the tears, speaking to me through the word. For only wanting the very best for me, for the reassurance, for your omni presence and unfailing, unconditional love. For giving me the heart and wonderful person. That right now I would love to be hugged by you. For giving us praise&worship, its been an escape too. I feel so distant from you atm, I am far but you are near, yet I still can’t get close to you; I’m losing it;
And to all my friends who knew, for bearing my infirmities and the comfort.
Xx.
You; for the one year and a bit, for being that missing piece of my heart, for unveiling the parts of me I didn’t know I had, for teaching me without even knowing it, of all people, being with me and sticking with me through the bumpy roads as long as you could hold, for loving me as long as this lasted. For making my first memorable and special. You, I shall remember always.
Autumn,Falls;When the leaves droop and wither away,
When the love you feel, fades away.
-B492 429-
My world is closing in,
From the inside, but I’m not showing it;
That all I am is crying out,
I hold it in and fake the smiles,
Till I’m broken,
Till I’m broken…
Enough is Enough.
For now;
-B
From the inside, but I’m not showing it;
That all I am is crying out,
I hold it in and fake the smiles,
Till I’m broken,
Till I’m broken…
Enough is Enough.
For now;
